Like Miranda said, I had a miscarriage on Thursday. We had JUST passed thirteen weeks and 'successfully' ended our first trimester. On Monday, the three of us (Elijah came, too!) saw our baby on an ultrasound and everything looked great. Wednesday I had minor spotting, but it still looked okay on ultrasound. Early Thursday morning I had cramping (which turned out to be labor) and I just knew.
(this is a bit morbid...so don't read on if you can't handle it....)
Obviously we are so disappointed. I know that a third of pregnancies ends this way...but you always feel like those statistics apply to someone else. Especially this late into a pregnancy. I miss what should have been. But the way it all went down is so horrifying. It truly felt like a nightmare and it was so surreal that I felt like I'd wake up at any time. I made an appointment with the after-hours doctor and she said that the hearbeat the previous day was a good sign. I had an hour before my appointment. So Matt went to work, I sat down with Elijah (until my friend could come over to watch him) and we both realized that his shark was upstairs. As soon as I got upstairs (and Elijah keeps recounting what happened after this....) I felt the baby coming. Isn't that horrible? Thank God that all Elijah saw was lots of blood (terrible for a little guy to have to see) but I had to get my baby out of the toilet. It was horrifying to have to do that to your baby. Whatever your political views on "a baby" are, it still felt like my baby. It was a developed little person and it fit into my hand. I took it into the doctor's office with us because 1) they said to save any tissue...and I knew that this was the tissue we were waiting for and 2) my baby deserved the dignity of not ending in a toilet.
Horrible enough? Matt came home and has been amazing. The whole time. I, obviously, still had to deliver everything else and have a DNC (which if you've ever had one is one of the most painful things I've ever experienced!) And then you continue labor...for something that isn't even living. Crazy. And so tragic. And totally unexpected. Totally.
We looked at 'our baby' again and I thought to myself that those fingers should've been curled around mine. And that mouth should've been nursing. That baby will never know us and will never know its big brother.
The preliminary tests don't show anything, as we suspected. We may never know anything at all - just a medical thing that is unexplained. Am I glad it wasn't born with abnormalities? Absolutely. But am I disappointed about what could've been? Definitely.
Elijah is so sensitive and so verbal that he's been working this out on his own. Right after it happened, he asked if it was because he was too rough. Imagine that going through his head. Good thing Matt is a child psychologist and I used to do social work! We have been trying to keep it together for Elijah, if for no other reason! He has asked a million times if the baby is dead. I joked to Matt that it's like immersion therapy for me to keep reliving it
Yesterday he and I played all day and every piece of Playdoh became an egg with a baby inside. Every shark nursed its baby. He has an amazing understanding of the body and medical stuff, so we explained that the baby wasn't healthy and its heart stopped. He knows that it died and he wondered if it's with Angel (some of you remember our Golden Retriever). We believe in heaven.This has been such a roller coaster (add in hormones, as well!) Different things set me off. I'm totally aware that these things happen. I guess it's just hard to wrap my head around HOW it happened. Crazy.
My mom flew in this morning and we surprised Elijah. He was so happy to see her (as was I) that he buried his little face in her neck and they rocked - without saying anything - for almost an hour. It was exactly what he needed. I'm relieved.
Matt and I will be able to get out for a while to grieve together - without feeling like we should veil our emotions. So that will be nice. We'll plant a garden this weekend. We went to a kite festival this morning. So things are rolling forward.
I so appreciate all of you. Initially I just wasn't able to handle phone calls or emails or anything. Grief is a funny thing and it's sure strange when it decides to strike. So thank you for posting messages that I could read. I'm not sure how to describe it - but it felt like a hug from a friend. Thank you.
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Update: A couple people have asked if we knew the gender of the baby. We don't....yet. We will know in a few weeks when they finish the DNA testing. I probably could've looked right after I picked it up, but I honestly thought that I was going to pass out (quick blood loss plus the horror of fishing your baby out of a toilet) I did see enough to know that it had a tiny mouth and nose and ears. And it had fingers and toes already. My only thoughts were, "Don't pass out because Elijah is right here..." I suppose that knowing the gender will give us a bit of closure - I'm not sure. It still is very surreal.
It's really crazy the stuff that makes me get all sad again. I JUST bought some more maternity clothes because this was the weekend that I was going to make the transition in my closet. In church (our pastors knew) the pastor prayed for those grieving lives - no matter how small - and I sat there thinking that I should've been rocking a baby and thanking God for something so small. Stuff like that....
But overall, we are doing much better. My mom is amazing and it goes without saying that Matt is, too. My mom spent yesterday planting our garden, which looks great. We are going to buy a lilac bush today as a reminder (it will look nice and smell pretty, too).
I also have to add something about PMs and cards. I'm okay now. It was just in the beginning when I couldn't handle talking about it and rehashing the whole thing over and over. Even something as sweet as flowers being delivered made me sob - mostly because you send flowers when someone dies and the hard reality was that someone did. I guess I wasn't quite ready to face that reality. About two hours after I miscarried, a well-meaning nurse recounted her miscarriages and I just wasn't ready to go there with her. My grief was too fresh for hers to be helpful. So for those who were brave enough to PM...I appreciate it
Thank you again...for all of your kind words. When Matt is ready, he wants to read them also. Your support is invaluable - I mean that. Thank you.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
