Hey nelsoc, don't you have something important to do?

(Not for the animal protection society)


A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

This one is old as the hills but here goes anyway.

A man walks into the bar of a rather posh restaurant on the 40th floor of a skyscraper in a large American city. It's the top floor and the building is one of the older ones. Old enough that it has windows that can be opened. The man walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Another man, clearly very drunk, stumbles over.

'You would not believe the winds between these skyscrapers man! I can go jump out of that window and before I hit the ground, the winds are so strong that they will blow me back up!" says the drunk.

The man tells the drunk to go away and leave him alone. The drunk stumbles off as the man's drink arrives. He takes a sip only to notice the drunk climbing out a window. "Oh my God!" he says. The drunk disappears out the window just as the man starts to rush over. Just as the man gets to the window, in climbs in the drunk.

"See! I was right!" exclaims the drunk. The man is astonished but a bit skeptical. He looks out the window and sees no ledge or anything that the drunk could have held on to. Still the man admits to himself "I saw him jump and a few seconds later saw him climb back in the window. There's no place he could have stood or held onto. He had to have jumped. He MUST be right!?!?!"

Being a bit of the adventureous type, the man realizes this is clearly a unique opportunity, one he can't pass up. He climbs out the window and jumps and naturally falls to his death.

The drunk shuts the window, stumbles back over to the bar and signals to the bartender for another drink. The bartender brings his drink over, shaking his head as he does. Handing the drink to the drunk, the bartender comments " You are one MEAN dude when you're drunk Superman!"

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a
cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know beans about my business… Now give me back my dog.”